When 40 comes.
Yes, you read that right. Your mother is turning 40 just three short months after you were born. I already feel like I’ve lived a lifetime and it blows my mind to think you and your sister are just starting yours.
How do I even begin to tell you what I’ve learned in my time here on earth? I can’t, and I won’t. There’s no value in me spoiling it for you, plus we’re designed to have our own experiences, as intertwined as we are.
What I will do instead is journal to you about where I’m at in life right now. I want you to read this one day, maybe when you’re closer to my age, and know that you don’t have to have it all figured out, that you will still be growing, and that life will be both messy and beautiful in its constant evolution.
Kiddo, when I was young I used to think that 40 was so old. I’m sure I remember my parents turning 40. You won’t - well, maybe when your dad turns. I’m so blessed to have had you in my 40th year, and after a decade of taking much better care of myself I no longer feel that 40 is old. In fact, I feel pretty darn great. Age becomes irrelevant once you know how to keep yourself young.
Some people may look at 40 as mid-life, which if you look at the current Canadian statistics, it very much is. But, if you look at my genetics, I’mma gonna live to be 100! Well, we’ll see. I just hope to be around to share in a lifetime of magical moments with you, your sister, and your dad. My wish is that our relationship evolves like mine has with my mom. I wasn’t always besties with her, but now we’re tight as can be and I love it.
40’s a fun time for me, and as real as they come. I was so excited to turn 30, but I had no clue that my 30’s would include a LOT of personal growth work. Here I am amidst my life’s shadow work uncovering heavy buried rocks and boulders, some stuck like glue to the floor of my soul, polishing them and returning them to my being as shiny globes of love, light, and compassion. I’ve been reborn over and over and each time, I think I’m done when I’m really just beginning. Pair that with the rebirth I experienced when you and your sister were born and things have been wild!
But I’m tired. I’m tired of doing the “work”. Tired of overthinking everything. Tired of noticing everything. Tired of figuring myself out. And then I’m just tired from life. It’s not just me. I strongly feel that’s a collective feeling of the state of our consciousness here on earth at this moment in time. There’s a palpable state of exhaustion going on right now - people seem to be done with the fight. But even though it’s been a lot to work through, I’m not done. Not by a long shot. My thirties may have been about discovering and stepping into my work, but that was just the beginning. Now that I’m in it I won’t let it go until it lets me go. The outcome is too juicy to pass up. I have, however, started taking some time to enjoy life again.
Kid, you can spend a lifetime discovering your life’s work here on earth. And you should. But if I can pass on one lesson, it’s to not let it keep you from enjoying life at the same time. As with a lot of things, strike a balance.
So, who am I and where am I at right now in life? Oh wee one, there’s so much to tell and I’ll sprinkle you with the knowledge over time, but I’ll give you the gist for now. This’ll be tough for me, seeing as the past few years have been so societally weird that I feel a bit screwed up (look up 2020 on the internet and you’ll see what I mean). Couple that with my own rebirth as I entered motherhood and gosh, who am I anymore?
That sounds more woeful than it is. No, I don’t at all like what happened to the world in 2020 and beyond, but I do love who I am and my place in it. Right now, I’m a family woman and damn proud of it. Before 2020 I didn’t think I was going to have children - partly because I didn’t have the urge, and partly because I hadn’t yet been in a relationship with anyone I wanted to procreate and live out life with. And now, here I am. You’ll always know me as Mom, but you’ll have to shift your thinking outside of our family unit to really get to know who I am. Moms have a life outside of the family - I lived before you were born and had a life while you were growing up. Though I feel like my entire life right now revolves around you two (which I love), yes I do have aspirations, hobbies, and soul cravings.
Life moves through seasons. Not the ones you see on a calendar, but the ones that shift life through phases - school years, single life, parenthood, retirement, and so many more. Your mom still has a lot she will accomplish in life. Heck, I feel like I didn’t accomplish much before having you girls. Most who know me will say that’s not true, but I was figuring myself out for so much of that time that yes, I always excelled at whatever I did, but no, I never really went very far down any avenue I pursued. I do, however, love that my experiences have made me a well-rounded and very smart and intuitive person.
There are so many things I could tell you about who I am, but instead you can figure those out as you grow. What you won’t see is what’s going on in my head - my conscious and subconscious thoughts about who I am. For instance, I observe everything. It’s quite a gift, but can be overwhelming at times. I’m constantly letting perfectionism run my life. I’m far too distracted by my cell phone (smart phone) that it keeps me from resting my mind or diving back into my hobbies like reading or needlework. I let housework and organizing take over my life - I can find something to “fix” in any corner of the house. I’m constantly wondering if I’m a good enough mother, partner, daughter, family member, and friend. And I am living in a bubble I’ve built at home to avoid people because frankly I’ve grown to dislike most of them. (That sounds a little harsh, but as I’ve aged, my bubble has gotten smaller and I’m realizing that’s okay. I’ve found my people and I love on them like crazy. ).
On the flip side, I see the beauty in everything. I spend time naked in front of the mirror every day so I remember what I look like and to appreciate every part of myself. I tell myself I love myself, that I’m doing a great job, and I thank the day for all it gave me before going to bed at night. For all its addictive qualities, I don’t spend a lot of time on my phone and instead get outside, look around, and resist touching it in order to live in the moment. I barely know what day or time it is and live in an alternate universe where I (fortunately) don’t have to care. I count my blessings multiple times a day. I dream constantly (both daydream and sleep dreaming) and have many great ideas flow through me like water. And I sing a lot, laugh loudly, and smile brightly.
Life is good!
I know this piece is sort of all over the place, but I did say this would be like a journal entry. Word vomit. I just couldn’t decide what to tell you on this momentous occasion.
40 is a big deal. Like a really big deal. I knew I didn’t want to celebrate in a huge way, and we are having friends over a couple days after my birthday (because, well, I’m worth celebrating…as we all are), but I just wanted to take special note of myself because for all the tough places I’ve been in this year (personally), I wanted to remember this is just a season of my life that’s particularly - and beautifully - hard and that I am essentially a really stellar human being. Remember the same about yourself always.
